To my dear Grumpy Men,
Neanderthal Man, circa 1920
You know, I am getting really tired of men who can’t take “No” for an answer without giving off some major attitude. Do women walk around the floor giving the evil eye, and spitting at men because they won’t ask them to dance? No. So why do some men lash out with inane comments such as “You’re not that good anyway,” or “Being young isn’t everything,” and make absolutely sure you see them rolling their eyes at you before they huff away in obvious indignation?
I mean, I must be the nicest person when it comes to refusing dances. First of all, I am discreet about the refusal, I don’t yell it out so everyone can hear me rejecting your invitation. And I am very polite, I smile, I say “No, thank you,” or “Not right now, I am resting at the moment, but thank you.” So be polite, if I am being polite. Heck, be polite, even when I’m not being polite. What sort of man are you, anyway? And don’t you know that I have a very long memory, and if you give me attitude once, I will never accept a dance with you again in the future? You just shot yourself in the foot, you moron.
Secondly, when I am powdering my nose with a compact, changing my shoes, rubbing my ankles, wiping off my perspiration, drinking water, or rewetting my contacts with some eye drops, I am honestly just powdering-changing-rubbing-wiping-drinking-rewetting, and I am not doing it to avoid dances with certain individuals. Maybe I have a cramp because I’m on my fucking period, maybe that crazy woman put a hole through my thigh with her stiletto, and I am bleeding, maybe that beginner sliced my toe open with his street shoes, you never know. It’s not you, it’s me.
Third, there are tons of things to do at milongas, besides dance. For example, rest from dancing four tandas in a row with that fabulous Tango God, or half a tanda with a Painful Clueless. Or, listening to the music. There is music at these places, you know. Or (gasp!) chatting with other people, and actually having interesting conversations. Or just plain watching. I mean, it’s not everyday here in New York City that you get to see Omar Vega dance milonga in a real milonga setting. It’s not you, it’s everything else.
Fourth, sometimes, it is you. Sometimes, I am just too tired to dance with men I know will throw me around the dancefloor and crack my back in half. Or bump me into other couples, like they have done during every single tanda I have danced with them thus far. Occasionally, I am simply not in the mood to smell mothballs and dirty hair all night, or have your B.O. rub off on me on the one night I actually did forego that raggety cotton cami and dressed up, for instance, in my silk Marni top that costs $20 to dry clean. Maybe I didn’t like the way you just grabbed my wrist without a word, like a fucking caveman, intending to drag me to the floor, as if I were a common whore, and you, my pimp. And once in a while, I feel like being picky, and just dance with good leaders all night for once. Give this girl a break, for chrissakes.
Fifth, I hate politics. I don’t care how nice you were in the elevator, I don’t care how long you’ve been in the community, I don’t care if you organize this or that milonga, I don’t care how many professional dancers you are friendly with, I just don’t want to dance with you tonight, because I don’t like your face. And that’s that, I can’t help these brain waves, and I sure as hell can’t help these hormones, and that’s the way of the Universe. Ok??
And last, but not least, maybe I have a Lover, and it’s a special night for us, and we just want to dance with each other all night. Perhaps we promised to cabeceo each other at exactly a quarter to midnight, so we can dance the last tanda together. Maybe I just want to admire my Lover’s dancing from afar and enjoy those brief moments when his eyes are upon me, burning intensely. The point being, just because I am sitting there doing nothing does not mean I am available to dance with you, or anyone, for that matter.
Tango is more intimate that having a coffee. It’s more intimate than kissing. It involves trust, and surrender, holding, and a mingling of breaths. And it is my prerogative as a woman to refuse whomever I want.
Men have the power to select. So women have the power to refuse. Get with the fucking program. It’s the law of the Non-Cabeceo North American Tangoland, alright??
Thank you.
From the bottom of my fucking heart,
Nuit.
Nuit, you made me smile. Well said.
Tanguera
27 November 2007 at 6:36 pm
Thank god you’re back.
And amen.
(But it sounds like NY might have the corner market on Neanderthals. Where are they coming from?!!)
tangobaby
27 November 2007 at 6:46 pm
hola nuit, I’m glad you’re back and hope work hasn’t been too too much like work…that the love (not the “L” word kinda love, but just lowercase love) has been sweet and sublime to offset the tango experiences that prompted you to write this post…I think you may have unknowingly coined a new tango term – for a tango style that has been around for a long time – “neanderthal tango” or “cromagnon tango” – hell – let’s just cut to the chase and call it “gorilla tango” – and the men who dance the style we’ll call “tangorillas”… very nice post… very to the point… very necessary for us men… besos… one on each cheek… and a big hug…
Alex
27 November 2007 at 8:07 pm
Alex, can you make sure the tangorillas read this?
My fear is that only guys like you read our blogs (who don’t need the lesson), leaving these other men to their own devices without any idea that the tango blogsphere exists. And that they are being addressed.
It’s a tall order. I don’t even know how you would start…
tangobaby
27 November 2007 at 9:18 pm
Tangorillas, now that shall be entered into the lexicon.
elizabeth
28 November 2007 at 1:56 am
Dear Nuit, I think your post is the perfect explanation of “Why the Cabeceo has been invented” ;-)
patadura
28 November 2007 at 4:43 am
I’m glad you’re back! I hope it’s been happy kissing type things keeping you away, not tangorillas (great term).
Psyche
28 November 2007 at 1:28 pm
“It involves trust, and surrender, holding, and a mingling of breaths. And it is my prerogative as a woman to refuse whomever I want.”
You forgot the most important thing: respect.
Besides, Tango is about feeling, and sometimes I just don’t blippin’ FEEL like it. Ok?
Excellent post.
Johanna
28 November 2007 at 2:05 pm
dear blogueras and blogueros,
yes, i’m back! :) i’ve missed you, and am now catching up on the hundreds of posts you’ve written while i was away.
the term “tangorilla” is brilliant. i think i’m going to create a whole separate category just for them, hehe.
La Nuit Blanche
28 November 2007 at 3:12 pm
I so hear you. Some men expect me to be nice, polite and accepting always. I’m supposed to be sensible when they are not in the mood to dance with me that night , or even to recognize me to say hello, because they are with a date, or again, just not in the right mood. I’ve got to understand, respect their boundaries, and not take it personally.
OK, I’m fine with that. I feel the same, at times, after all. But will they ever think of treating me the same way? Do I have the same rights???
Oh man. I am a nice person, but getting extremely tired of the double standards lately.
Frances R
28 November 2007 at 4:35 pm
johanna, i so agree with you.
not only that, but i will go a step further, and claim that having a woman in your arms for the duration of a dance, is a privilege, not a right.
outside of the milongas, these men wouldn’t dare to ask such beautiful women out, even for a coffee. they wouldn’t even be able to look them in the eyes in the subway. but as soon as they walk onto the dancefloor, they think these women were put there for their convenience. they act as if to press these women against them at a distance of zero inches is their right, having paid the $10 entrance fee to “grace” us with their presence.
it’s amazing… to see people completely lose track of reality…
tangobaby: i fear these tangorillas might be using the internet for something else, other than reading these blogs! :(
La Nuit Blanche
28 November 2007 at 5:02 pm
Did you just hear me bust out laughing?!!
And just think, after you learn that something else, then you can learn how to open a strip club OR how to do a barrida. Hmm, choices, choices.
Where do you find these things? Thank god Al Gore invented the internet–what else would we do all day?!!
xo
tangobaby
28 November 2007 at 5:34 pm
> not only that, but i will go a step further, and claim that having a woman in your arms for the duration of a dance, is a privilege, not a right.
I’m having some issues with that statement as it implies that women somehow would grant men some sort of favor by being in their arms, since they are so beautiful. English is my second language, so I may be misreading it. If I knew of a woman thinking this way, I’d never ask her to dance.
By the way, the only reason these people are still coming to milongas is because women are dancing with them, so it’s really up to you (the followers) to make these morons go away.
sorin
28 November 2007 at 6:10 pm
hi sorin!
i think you misread. i was meaning “Woman” in the universal sense of the term. it is a privilege for any man to have any woman in his arms, anywhere in the world, on or off the dancefloor. what i am trying to say, is that some men seem to forget this at the milongas.
women for men, or men for women (or man for man, or woman for woman, whatever), it is a privilege to be able to dance with another human being, and it should never be taken for granted, much less a “right”, which is the attitude these tangorillas seem to have.
your english is excellent, by the way.
besos.
La Nuit Blanche
28 November 2007 at 7:40 pm
“outside of the milongas, these men wouldn’t dare to ask such beautiful women out, even for a coffee. they wouldn’t even be able to look them in the eyes in the subway.”
You know, that’s one of the things I like best about tango. Not the convenience bit, of course – that’s clearly just wrong – but the fact that we can connect, and connect deeply, with people that we probably wouldn’t even have the nerve to speak to in the ordinary world. That incredibly beautiful visiting dancer – you’re right, on the tube I wouldn’t even look at him too openly for fear of offending him, or of making a fool of myself, by looking. But at the milonga, I can look, and smile, because we are already linked by a common desire to connect with another through dance. And the guys – there’s no need for them to wonder whether a woman is ‘too beautiful’ for them, because it *doesn’t matter*. They are allowed to reach out to us, and we are allowed to reach back, based on the calling of our hearts and souls, not the appearance of our bodies.
I would like to think that in tango of all places we can transcend the weighing up of people based on their appearance (am I naive?). I agree with you that it is a privilege for each of us, man or woman, to dance with another. And that noone, man or woman, should take another for granted or think that the other is ‘lucky’ to be dancing with them, on whatever grounds. Let alone make that person feel that that is the case. Rudeness is fundamentally unkindness.
Psyche
29 November 2007 at 6:59 pm
If there is no respect, then there should be no acceptance, regardless of which side of the embrace you dance on.
Debbi
3 December 2007 at 8:55 pm
Speaking as an aspiring tanguero, I have to say that this post was eye-opening for me, so thank you very much. I’m not sure if all men go through the same emotional processes that I do when asking a woman to dance but I suspect that on some level we all fear rejection in any form. I have never been as rude or forceful as some of the people you described in your article but to my chagrin, I have frequently taken it personally when women have said no, especially when two or three minutes later they are dancing with someone else. What I have to remind myself when this happens is that it is nothing personal, she is just taking care of her own needs which are not always commensurate with my own. Your post helped to clarify that.
Thanks!
el cabaill
13 March 2008 at 6:01 pm
el cabaill!
i completely understand the fear of rejection… i get the same feeling when i ask men to dance! actually, i’ve only done that 3 times so far, and i got rejected all three times, haha. and i agree…. it’s a horrible feeling.
i do admit, though, that i have danced with a man minutes after i have declined another. it has only happened a few times, however, and it was because i had already promised that tanda to someone else beforehand, or had already accepted someone else via the cabeceo (which would have been imperceptible to the rejected man), so i had no choice but to turn down the second invitation. in hindsight, i could have elaborated beyond the simple “no thank you” — like “i already promised someone else, i’m sorry…” or something, so that the rejected man wouldn’t feel so…rejected… but in the frenetic situations at most crowded milongas, i felt that i shouldn’t have to explain myself.
anyway, welcome to the blogosphere, and thanks for your understanding response (to this rather angry post)!
La Nuit Blanche
14 March 2008 at 12:20 am