My cortina
Artist: Paul Klee, “Final scene of a tragicomedy”
It’s amazing, how much the tango ressembles life.
And the journey into the tango itself is as much like a milonga, as life is. Sometimes, you are intoxicated with the dance and want to learn everything (tango), sometimes you are wistful and think you are falling in love with a fabulous dancer (vals), sometimes you want to stop learning and just have fun (milonga). There are breaks in the journey, where you don’t dance at all (cortinas). You have good nights, and bad nights (connection-disconnection). And sometimes, you bump into people (or that cement column) and get stilettoed.
Like I was last night. My experience was particularly discouraging…
It was my first time attending an event hosted by a tango festival. The floor was huge. The crowd was enormous. The energy was upbeat. The level of dancing was much higher than I had ever seen at the regular milongas in the city. The performances were wonderful, especially that of Julio and Corina. I guess overall, I had a so-so ok night.
I danced with three men within the span of 3 hours. Two tandas (my kind tango angel HZ who wanted me to start my night out properly happy), one tanda (a sleepwalking Argentine who was high on pot, who was nonetheless, a very sweet man), one tanda (a wishy-washy dancer who had no idea where to put his hand on my backless dress and bumped me into other couples). And lots of waiting and watching in between, which was…nice in itself, I guess. But for a $25 entry fee, it would have been even nicer if I got to…dance?
At around 2am, I called it a night. There is only so much standing a girl could do in 4 inch heels… Also, the place was hopeless for practicing the cabeceo. I saw this one young lady get strongly rejected when she asked a man to dance, so all thoughts of doing that myself were banished immediately.
Bascially, a beginner follower’s experience at a huge festival milonga will be horrible if:
1. You are not good enough in your tango not to be passed over for better, or cuter dancers, usually the latter. (Or conversely:)
2. You are not beautiful or hot enough to be forgiven your inexperience by men who know you.
3. You are not beautiful or hot enough to be noticed among the crowd in the eyes of men who don’t know you.
4. In the chaotic absence of cabeceo, it is very difficult for you to project that you want to dance with particular individuals.
5. In the absence of cabeceo, it is still incomprehensibly a faux-pas to ask a man to dance, and some men are adamantly offended by such forward women.
6. You are not social or outgoing enough to suck up to the hotshot wannabes.
7. You do not have a more experienced tango boyfriend to rely on, nor are you interested in boys right now, period.
8. Your maestro never dances with you at milongas, because you are not good enough for him to dance with in public.
9. You do not want to annoy and alienate your Tango Angel by hogging him all night.
Maybe it’s about time for a cortina in my journey. Afterall, a wise sister-tanguera (who sadly, lives 3,000 miles away from me) had advised that I do so… I think I might be burning out.
So I am considering shutting down my tango life completely, until I get back from Venice.
Hmmm.
(Yeah, right?)
Dear, sweet, sad, frustrated, belly-full-of-anger Nuit.
When I had just started, I was out dancing every single night of the week. And even though I was a rank beginner, I don’t recall ever sitting out for such long periods of time! [I'm not rubbing it in, really]. You are clearly a lot more discerning than I ever was at your stage, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I’m also quite forward, so if I was standing next to someone who wasn’t dancing, but obviously wanted to [yearning looks at the dance floor] I’d wait until our eyes met and tilt my head towards the dance floor. Hey! I was channeling a cabeceo!!! While some of those tandas were lamentable, some were inspired. But every one was a lesson, and though my feet were killing me for the first 6 months, I didn’t experience “burn out” until about 6 years later.
So, take a deep breath and a warm bath and just wash those nasty emotions away. You’re not burnt out. Just frustrated and pre-trip distracted. So before you go, try a different milonga than you’re used to and test drive Daring Nuit – the tanguera who cabeceos up close and personal.
Johanna
8 October 2007 at 12:09 am
Sadly, I couldn’t make the milonga at the tango festival on any night. But as an even newer dancer than you, I do manage to dance a fair bit (albeit badly) at every milonga I attend by wearing the most awesome shoes I can. Many tango men will frankly you judge you by your shoes, I think.
If a killer dancer wanders over my way, I flatly but sweetly state my request “I’d love to work on my backward ochos. Would that be ok with you?” Or whatever. I have yet to be refused in my request.
And if I miss a lead, I always say at the end of the dance, “I should have caught that. Let’s schedule a time if you like to work on that together at a practica.” This tactic has been rejected only twice in my brief experience so far. And I confess that hurt.
Still, I have also actually had better leaders agree to meet me at practicas! Which they did! And dance various tandas with me before they went their own way. But surely you must have your own ways of doing this. . .?
frelkins
8 October 2007 at 12:34 am
> 1. You are not good enough in your tango not to be passed over for better, or cuter dancers, usually the latter. (Or conversely:)
You just have to get better. The leaders who would choose a hot bad dancer over a good, not so hot dancer are just losers. Besides, I’ve seen you at that milonga and you are an attractive woman.
I don’t mind being asked to dance if it’s done right. One of the most disarming way I’ve been asked, which is pretty safe for the person to ask is to go to whoever you want to dance with and say something to the effect of “I’ve seen you dance and I’d like to dance with you sometime”, and then leave. I always do my best to dance with that woman before the milonga is over.
Sorin
8 October 2007 at 3:07 am
Dear Nuit, I had felt all those things you mentioned. Granted it’s been almost a year now, I still do occasionally have those feelings of inadequacy, especially when I know I am surrounding by beautiful and talented dancers. I’ve had tangueros who loved me at one milonga and passed me up for someone better at the next. It sucks and it hurts! You are right, tango is so much like real life, it just exists on a smaller scale. As difficult as it is, I try my best to tune out the bad thoughts and avoid the people with bad energy. It’s the only way to survive out there and keep our dancing feet happy and moving. Malena and I have been going through a rough time lately; our tango spirit is at it’s all time low. We are pondering the idea of not dancing till our trip to BsAs (end of next month). Our only fear is that tango will be even more disappointing when we return home.
Eva
8 October 2007 at 11:09 am
Here’s one: 5 dances in 20 hours. I once had an experience like this, and I left tango for a few months after that, I was so heartbroken.
In general, milongas at festivals are a lot harder to “break into” than the practicas. People are going to be a lot more selective, partly because there are so many people and so little time. My first festival experience was eye-opening, and also very humbling. I barely danced at the evening milongas. But now I understand why. Although I was quite happy with my experience on Saturday, there were a lot of friends I missed out on. It happens.
Sorin’s right – there really are no shortcuts to tango. And trust me, I’ve looked. At festivals, I tend to focus more on the classes and practicas, and let the milongas roll as they will. I enjoy myself more if I don’t set up expectations to be dashed at night. Plus, the practicas are more relaxed, and they’re a good way to log tango miles and make connections for later in the evening. And the more festivals you attend, the more you will dance because people will start to recognize you.
azabache
8 October 2007 at 11:20 am
Darling Nuit,
Those experiences happen to all of us no matter what level of dance we are at. (I am sure I will never achieve tango godhood, so I cannot speak for that level of dancer, though.)
Tango, although practiced in the dreamy semi-darkness, shines a very bright light on us as individuals, illuminating all of our good qualities, desires and needs, as well as our faults and weaknesses. For an introspective person such as yourself, this can be both a tool for improvement and an invitation to self-doubt and insecurity.
I find that these large events lend themselves even more to such situations of analyzing and questioning, maybe partially due to the anticipation and excitement these gatherings bring, but also the pressure of competing in a larger pool of dancers. It is much easier to be a big fish in a little pond, n’est ce pas? (Personally, I like being a big fish in a little pond.)
I used to take every perceived slight (whether it was real or not) as a rejection of me as a person, and it was killing my spirit. Over time, and over the course of various events in my tango life, it’s been easier for me. One thing that has helped me immensely is to try to have no expectations of what will happen and who I will dance with. I admit, it is very hard to dress like a goddess, with glorious shoes and maquillage to perfection, and not have expectations of dancing on clouds all night.
But I find that it is what will keep me sane and keep my rides on the rollercoaster of emotions (especially those steep dips) very short. If you can, keep these thoughts in mind:
1. try to go to any dance with a sense of wonder and wait to be surprised. At the end of the night, focus on the little gems and not on the disappointments.
2. monitor your inner spirit and if you feel it’s time to go home, don’t wear yourself out waiting for one more dance to make the night better. Just go home, make some cocoa and get out your favorite book.
3. enjoy watching the other dancers and see what you can learn from just observing. Being in the presence of better dancers just makes us more knowledgeable about what is out there.
xo
ps. I loved how you were able to distill the patterns of life into the intricacies of a milonga. Brilliant.
pss. You will be missed while you are away. You know the saying, Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Hearts will grow fonder during your hiatus and when you return home from your world travels, your dance card will be very, very full. I will check in with you then and you will tell me that I was entirely right.
So take your cortina if you want, and don’t despair!
tangobaby
8 October 2007 at 1:04 pm
hola nuit…our little group of five here 2 leads and 3 follows…has an agreement that if any one of the follow sits for more than two tandas….it is our responsibility to take them out for a spin and show them off…otherwise, we leave them alone, because they are generally not there to dance with us…milongas are our opportunities to dance with others we never get to dance with…so if you could hook up with a small group like this…it might be better…you know if I were able to be there…i would be honored to be considered for a tango angel position…
also, one thing i hear alot about festivals…is that if you take a class or two, then you “know” at least a few people at the milonga…or at least recognize them…and that can break down the barrier…
as for the rejection you witnessed…i know it’s hard…i have experienced this myself…but we must not ever take it personally…their rejection of another is exactly that…theirs…it’s their “stuff” that causes them to reject or decline, not yours…so i would suggest not to give up on that just yet…nor tango…
Alex
8 October 2007 at 2:16 pm
Tangobaby, them’s words of wisdom woman!!! [and for those logophiles out there, how's that for alliteration??].
Nuit, your experiences are part of Tango life, and not necessarily part of a beginner’s experience. As TB said, even after many, many years at this, there are still milongas I go to where the folks who’d just danced with me at another milonga won’t even look at me. I don’t understand it, but after all this time, I’ve just learned to accept it and let it go.
Try new milongas. Skip a night. Rattle things up a little and keep folks guessing. And of course, do like your Sister says and focus on the little gems, whose sparkle will fill the night for you, and don’t even bother keeping track of the slights.
Johanna
8 October 2007 at 2:49 pm
Dear Nuit,
If tango resembles life, then there are far worse adversities in life than having a bad night of milonga. All these comments are spoken from individual experiences and convey the same message. What you had experienced on Saturday night, it was just part of the journey. It happens to everyone: beginners, intermediate or advanced dancers. It takes time and there is no short cut to it. You would have to pay your dues over time.
What makes tango so addictive is that once a while you get this blissful feeling, such as feeling the heartbeat of the other at the end of Poema, which you would cherish days after. And for me, that’s good enough reason to keep dancing…
HZ
8 October 2007 at 3:13 pm
what would i do without you, dear readers, my fellow blogueras and blogueros? the philosophers would have us believe that the digital age is creating alienation and loneliness. schmilosophers. i believe you to be treasured friends. not only is our beloved tango our first point of reference, but that we feel compelled to write about it… does that not signify something real, warm and heartfelt?
dearest johanna, everytime i read your words, i feel like you are giving me some of your strength. i have been soaking it up all day, starting this morning in the bath. :) i promise to dare to be daring. and not only will my feet be killing me from dancing so much, but my eyes will be killing me too! practicing cabeceo up close and personal is an excellent idea.
frelkins, i want some of your sass and charm! it would be hard for anyone to refuse such sweetness and honesty, beginner or no. unfortunately, i am probably the most maladroit woman to have ever lived on this planet (with the exception, ofcourse, of maybe Medusa). i am going to try your suggestions next time i go out.
sorin, that’s perhaps exactly what i needed — to be told i am actually an attractive woman in someone’s eyes, haha. :) i guess a woman is a woman is a woman, afterall! i saw you walking around with all your gear — i think that was you? i can’t wait to see your beautiful pictures, i hope you post some of them for us to see. and i will try your suggestion, although i will have to refrain from hiding away in the bathroom afterwards.
dear eva, people are encouraging me to take yoga or something, so i can better tune out bad thoughts. you are lucky to have such strength. i am way too sensitive… i can look perfectly unperturbed externally, but inside, i am dying! i wish you and malena magic and alchemy while you’re in BsAs. regarding our respective funk, there will be a new moon on the 11th. i am not one for astrology, but let’s cross our fingers in hopes that things will improve for us soon.
azabache, where were my street smarts — it didn’t even occur to me that it would have helped had people got to know me from the practicas and workshops! next time, i should fully participate in the festivals, not just one measly milonga. thank you for reminding me.
beloved tangobaby, last night, after writing this entry, i made some cocoa, settled into my settee, and was reading your favorite book, “till we have faces.” you are my Psyche. i will come back to your words before i leave for each milonga, and remind myself that i have a loving sister who is thinking of me.
alex, you are blessed to have such a group of supportive tango friends! i wholly agree with you. i am sure i will befriend more people very soon. i will continue to get out there and dance, so i can actually do this, hehe. and also, with the sweetness of your sympathy, you are already one of my tango angels. :)
HZ, i am embarrassed that you are reading this post, when i know you are trying hard to be encouraging. all that caring and warmth gone to waste! i am lucky to have met you, i know. i will think of our poema, and get ready to go out again very soon.
all my love,
nuit.
La Nuit Blanche
8 October 2007 at 5:53 pm
Hi! I was there that night, and it was packed to the catwalk!
It is incredibly difficult for beginners at festivals, for both leaders and followers. I actually would not recommend a festival to a beginner unless they were taking classes as otherwise you may dance very little. I have to say that it is not the attractive women who always get the dances with the good leaders. It is the good dancers who get the good leaders. I did my fair share of sitting Saturday, but I also walked around, chatted with people, hung out by the refreshments (for as long as they lasted that is!) and always returned to the same spot so that when leaders I knew or wanted to dance with walked or danced by, I could smile and nod to them. This allowed me to remind people whom I met at the practicas who I was and where I was. And thus I asked for dances without actually asking. Which brings me to another point. Go to the practicas. You will meet many other people, and you can quickly tell who you want to dance with an who you DON’T want to dance with. Festivals (well, the GOOD festivals) are rough unless you are an advanced dancer. You just have to go with a thick skin. And it is the better dancers who attend the practicas, so that is an even better reason to make sure you go. A festival packs so many people into such a small time span for a milonga that people are reluctant to dance with someone they have not seen or met yet, so getting yourself known before the milonga is key.
Hope you are not too discouraged and stay positive at your next festival. They get easier as you get better….
:-)
Debbi
8 October 2007 at 7:36 pm
debbi!! :) i am hitting myself in the head for not participating in, at least, the practicas (the workshop passes having been all sold out by the time i got my arse to their website!). that’s an excellent idea: to choose a spot where people could find you should they be looking for you, and to walk around and make friendly eye contact. i am extremely shy, and going around speaking to people i hardly know is downright painful for me… i get spaghetti legs and wobble around. perhaps the tango will help me overcome this? big besos for our favorite bostonites.
La Nuit Blanche
8 October 2007 at 8:42 pm
Hi Nuit,
I was in NYC on Saturday and Sunday night, and I agree with Debbi when she says that it was a hard place for beginners. In general, Festivals are tough places, although I disagree with you that it is about being “the most beautiful” or about having the nicest shoes, as someone suggested in a post above. A really good leader is usually going to look for a “safe great tanda”—and that implies locating a good follower he knows can give you such great tanda with pretty much 100% certainty.
For the local leaders, it then often becomes a matter of locating those good visitor followers they’ve met previously in other Festivals or in town, and very often local ladies can be very frustrated with the lack of attention of men who usually dance with them. For the good dancers who’ve come from outside town, this is the case even more so: they actually went through a very high cost to go the Festival, and they want those “guaranteed” good dances. For that purpose, they really tend to stay only with women they know and rarely do they risk it outside that circle unless they already had a chance to check that the odds that the dance will be good are sufficiently high. I’ll add that this is probably true in the case of very good followers—as you become better and better, you’ll find yourself watching the floor for those dancers who can dance, and whose followers look the happiest/most fulfilled, and identifying those who are bad leaders—because they seem to not have musicality, intention, because they are jerking their followers around, or whatever—not to run the risk to accept a tanda with a leader who is so unpleasant that truly spoils your night.
I know it sounds tough, but all I can say is that it gets better as you progress, become a more solid dancer, and people begin to recognize your face. In my case, for example, I had a few good tandas with leaders I had never seen before, but most of them (and probably the best of them) happened with the very good leaders I already knew—it was like a joyous catching up with old friends I had not seen in a while.
This “catching up” of dancers with other dancers they are familiar with is inevitable, and we’ve all suffered from its adverse effects to certain extent until we get to broaden our circle—I think all followers have had at least a few really frustrating large milongas where not much happened, just like you described in your post. So don’t despair!!!! It will go away gradually as you improve and widen your network, and people get to know you better. Debbi’s advice of going to practicas (and, I’d add, lessons) is excellent—both give you very good opportunities to widen your network and dance a bit with people from out of town who previously didn’t know you and, in the process, you’ll improve your skills.
The other issue is to have a good attitude—Debbi describes that well—how to keep a smile, try to enjoy yourself, be social; in the process, some leaders will come back to you and ask you for a dance. I know very well that sometimes this is easier said than done in the middle of a frustrating milonga… but it is the only thing that works. So don’t lose the spirits and enjoy the road. It may be bumpy at times, but it will get better, I promise.
Tanguera
9 October 2007 at 1:27 am
lovely tanguera,
excellent points! it seems i would just have to get better and dance as much as i can. and connect with a solid group of leaders who like to dance with me… also, to participate in festival classes and practicas, and connect with new people that way too. and with more experience and festivals i attend, the more familiar i will be to visiting tangueros and tangueras.
all of which, takes time. and patience. :) thank you for reminding me that tango takes time… it seems i can’t hear enough of that — i really need to learn to slow down (in my attitude, that is. one can never dance too much!) about my extreme shyness, a post on that will be coming soon. maybe the tango will help me overcome it?
thank you so much for the encouragement, compassion, and intelligence of your comment — hopefully, we will get to meet and share a coffee (or a vino?) next time you’re in new york!
lots of kisses,
nuit.
La Nuit Blanche
9 October 2007 at 2:36 pm